Never Question a Drunk

Funny joke that came my way:

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, And
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.” The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

By Kevin Arth Posted in Uncategorized Tagged

Best Joke of the Year…….

The following joke was emailed to me:

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street
and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country,
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free
education!”

The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am Mexican.”

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in America!”

The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese.”

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, “Thank you for the wonderful America!”

That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East, I am
not American!”

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?”

She says, “No, I am from Russia!”

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”

The Russian lady checks her watch and says…”Probably at work.”

Of course, it was cute. It got a chuckle out of me. However, one might respond by saying that, if you go back far enough, aren’t we all immigrants from somewhere?

By Kevin Arth Posted in Uncategorized Tagged

Urine Test

Someone forwarded this test to me. Again, I’m not sure where it came from, but the author’s right. If a person has to pass a urine test to get a welfare check, there’d be lots of people out there whose habits we’d no longer have to support. Check it out:

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUITMENT CENTER

Got this email. Don’t know where it came from, but it’s pretty funny.

******************************
LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUITMENT CENTER

Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell
them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing! Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie
and other regular! food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till
noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk
much.

We go on “route marches”, which the platoon sergeant says are long walks
to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A
“route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a school teacher
He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels
just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You
don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what
they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city
boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t
like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him
once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds
and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to
hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come
stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail
******************************

By Kevin Arth Posted in USMC